Who Am I?

I asked for silence,
So the world kept on screaming...
Strangers coming to me,
Eyes cold and tired,
Void of life, void of willpower
Begging me for a coin or two,
Just some help,
And I pushed their hands away,
I wouldn't help,
Didn't want to
All I wanted was silence.

I asked for solitude,
So they circled around me...
Friends, family, enemies,
Words vicious and lashing,
Void of love, void of care,
Analyzing my every fall,
Calling me out,
And I put my wall up,
I wouldn't crack,
Didn't need to,
All I wanted was solitude

Silence, solitude
A lonely life
Of masks and illusions,
This is all I hope for,
All I've ever been comfortable with.
No exposure, no time in the limelight,
Just me and my words.

I feel most comfortable nestled between the lines of a poem,
But there I feel most exposed,
For you read my words
And use them to try and figure me out,
Decoding line upon line,
Trying to decide who I am.

My mother asked me that very question
"Who have you become?
I don't know who you are anymore..."
It's a question I ask myself,
One I can't find the answer to.
I'm a bit of a pretender
And the play is getting a hold of me,
Constricting who I really am,
Creating a boiling battle within.


"Be nice."
BUT WHY? 
I HATE HALF THE PEOPLE I FAKE FRIENDSHIPS WITH
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO CARE."
"Be happy. Always smile."
I JUST WANT TO CRY!
BUT AFTER CHOKING IT BACK FOR SO LONG
I'M UNABLE TO SHED A SINGLE TEAR!"
"Calm down."
I CAN'T!
I'M LIVING IN THIS  BODY,
I'M DWELLING IN MY MIND,
YET I'M UNABLE TO FIGURE OUT
THE MYSTERIES WITHIN ME.
WHO IS THIS PERSON RESIDING HERE?"
"GET IT TOGETHER!"
That is something both sides agree on,
But I don't know how
To fix myself,
Or where I'd even begin.
In fact, I don't even know what's wrong...
Could someone,
Could anyone
Help me...?
But no...
I mustn't ask for help,
Will not burden others with myself.
No reason to cause worry,
No reason to create concern.
Chase it down,
Put on a smile,
Making my life the illusion of perfect
I need it to be...

So, who am I?
I am a creation,
A string of lies
I've led you to believe.
I am an actor,
An impurity
That's been masked,
I am a poet, 
Hiding in my lines,
A mystery,
Dropping clues here and there.
I am a question,
Searching for her own answers...