Post by reireithepandanater on Dec 16, 2014 17:17:10 GMT -5
I don't know why, but from recent events, I started thinking about the final days before I had left Evergrand. There was so many things that seemed to be as if they were nothing more than a dream. The Clauren family, the school, the people, and the final sights I had of Evergrand before leaving its clutches. So many things, yet every single one of them feel like nothing more than a dream. As if it was part of some sort of delusion I had built up for myself within the confines of my own conscious mind. It feels like I was a prisoner within my own mind, yet everything remains so clear and so much more is a reminder that everything that happened was indeed real.
I guess I should start with the first thing I had remembered. The Clauren family. It was a small family when they first brought me into their household, but not once had I ever really felt welcome in that house. As to who I lived with, I guess I should start with Marilyn. She was the woman of the house. She was usually quite kind and welcoming, for it was her idea to bring me in as a foster child. While she was usually a decent person, there was so much melancholy hidden behind those azure eyes of hers. People might not have noticed, but who can really blame her?
I was brought into the household only a month after her brother had drowned in an accident. He was going to head out of Evergrand for a while in order to see if he could get a new job, just to bring in more money for the family. Sadly for him, someone else was on their way back from a small trip outside of the village. They were distracted by their child in the backseat who was trying to have a conversation with the driver. They had looked away for only a second, and that second was all it took. Both vehicles were launched into the trenches and swept away with the current.
The only remnants to show that the event even occured was a few pieces of metal that were torn off both vehicles in the crash. The vehicles were found near Scavenger Falls, stuck against the corner of an old foundation for a now torn down building. Both vehicles were discovered, but there wasn't a soul left within the vehicles. Three more who fell victim to the curse of Evergrand and were swept away into the abyss. With such a thing to occur, I simply couldn't blame her for the sadness she felt. They were one of the few lucky families who went with minimal deaths within the village.
Moving on from Marilyn, there was Darren. He was the man of the household. He was a hard man to be around. His personality was cold, as if he had shut off all ties to emotion in order to keep himself from succumbing to the negative effects that this town has on people. He was as cold as the ground we stepped on, but yet he still had some warmth left within him. At times, he would show sincerity and even share a laugh or two, but there was no denying the fact that he knew that someday again his family would be struck with another death. He was the history teacher at the school, which did make some times a little odd when I had gone off to school.
I knew there was a good man underneath of that hardened exterior, but he just wouldn't allow himself to be open to the people around him. He didn't want to give Evergrand the chance to break a part his spirit, so he kept his emotions under lock and key. Even though Marilyn and Darren did seem like wonderful people, it's their two children which made the biggest impact in the household. Two girls, and both of them were...unique in their own ways. Isabella was the youngest and she had to be the sweetest person in all of Evergrand. It was a shame when she drowned, but what's done is done and there is nothing I can do to give her back to Marilyn and Darren.
Isabella was the kind of girl who didn't want to see a frown on a person's face. She knew how bad Evergrand was, so she wanted to bring positivity to the town. She wanted to see people smile. She just wanted people to cherish every bit of life that was given to them, no matter how short it may be. She was truly a kid with many ambitions that I believe really could have made an enormous impact on Evergrand. While she didn't like to see people frown, she was also a bit of a crybaby as well. She didn't like negativity, but when people rejected her ideals and even at times called her annoying, there wasn't anyway to stop her from crying. She was childish and a crybaby, but pure at heart.
This purity was something that her older sister was envious of, and so made it difficult for her own little sister. Maria was the older sister's name, and she was quite a greedy and envious person. I even remember one time in which she wanted to claim me as her own. In her mindset, she wanted a relationship with me just because of the fact that she would have me all to herself and no one else could. She only wanted this for the fact that I would sit there and listen while she rambled on about countless things. She thought I was a good listener, but in reality I was lost within my own thoughts and payed little attention. To put it simply, I knew even then on how to make it look like I was listening even when I really wasn't.
She was a relatively negative girl, but far more greedy than anything. As stated, she wished to have me all for herself for such a small reason. I had even awoken once in the night to find her curled up in my bed. When I asked her about it in the morning, the only logical reason she answered with was this. "I spilled water on my bed and yours looked dry, so I thought you wouldn't mind." Well, I minded. I minded very much. With the mixture of different personalities in that household, it made me feel like I was a stranger within my own reality. It felt like I didn't belong there, and I ended up coming to the decision in which had forever changed my life for the better. I decided to leave Evergrand, and that's exactly what I had done.
Sad enough, the day I had chosen was the very day in which Isabella had drowned on her way back from school in the beginning of winter. Because of that, I had stayed for a couple more months at the Clauren household. When Isabella left, everything in that household had such a melancholy vibe towards it. Maria cried for the loss of her sister, but became rather clingy to me as if I was the one thing to fill the hole that was blown into her life. I hadn't denied her presence for I actually felt sympathy for her. I had allowed her to sleep in my bed at night and on most of those nights, I would be holding her as she cried herself to sleep. I was up longer than her for I couldn't get the sounds of Marilyn's sobbing in the room over from mine.
It was in the time of Isabella's death in which things began to feel like a dream. I know it may seem a bit odd, but it seems to be that Isabella was a key factor in my life at the time. She was one of those people who made this delusion that we call reality seem less delusional than what it really was. She was a light that rebelled against the darkness that tried to consume it, and eventually...succumbed to the chilling grasp that ensnares the light of many. It was at this time in which my progress on school work had only gotten worse. I began flunking classes and everything just felt as if it was only a dream. It felt that the very two hands before me were nothing more than a delusion created within the confines of my mind.
I felt...trapped. Trapped within my mind by the so proclaimed reality that surrounded me. At the time, I couldn't tell if everything I saw was real or if it was a fantasy created by my mind. That just like those who had been swept away by the currents were all just figments of my imagination that had finally decided to be forgotten about. I couldn't tell if I was alive or if I was dead. When the rain hit my face, I just couldn't identify whether or not if it was a raindrop or the saddened tear of a person who once knew me weeping over the sight of my corpse before it would be turned to ash like the rest of those swept away by the currents. Everything just felt foreign and I simply couldn't identify things the way I used to.
I couldn't even register that Maria had stolen my first kiss while I was in a haze of thoughts one winter evening. I couldn't register any of the events that occurred that night. I couldn't register what she had done to my body in the name of her "love." I couldn't register that she took two firsts in which I could never get back that night. I simply couldn't register it at all. The events from there on went on as a blur, like a slideshow that was presenting scenes before a person at an unbelievable rate of speed. The faces of others blended together, the nights in which were spent with Maria at my side were nothing but a haze, and the scenery that had been placed before me seemed as if I was staring at nothing more than a painting.
I was at war with the negativity that Evergrand had offered them. It was then that I began to think. Were all the deaths in Evergrand really just because of accidental drowning, or were the victims just ending their connections with this god forsaken village once and for all? I never once thought of this until I found that such an idea seemed to be somewhat inviting. Letting go of the rock that anchored you down in the large powerful river. Just letting go of the rock that kept you from being swept away in its current and being nothing more than a distant memory. It all seemed so inviting and just so easy. Yet, I didn't do it. I didn't "fall" into the trenches and I didn't have any "accidents." I kept walking because some part of me just wouldn't allow such a thing to happen.
I don't know if it was some part of me saying that even I fear death, or if it was another part of me who was wanting to live for not the sake of fearing death, but to carry on the memories of those who had let go of their rocks. Even now I don't know what it was that stopped me from letting go, but I carried on and eventually I had gotten up to leave Evergrand. It was the one day in which I can actually clearly remember. When I had told the Clauren family that I was leaving Evergrand, there was not much reaction from Marilyn and Darren. It was as if they somehow knew that I would leave, but yet never said a word about it. They were just waiting for the day in which I would come to them to say these words.
Maria on the other hand was beyond upset. She was selfish and greedy and only wanted me to stay there because of the self-proclaimed love "we shared." She hadn't the slightest clue that I actually feel nothing. I go through emotions like any normal person, as if it's nothing more than a mechanical routine programmed into the computer that is my mind, but I truly cannot feel such a thing. Love is nothing but a blank slate to me. Just like happiness and anger. If I'm actually ever lucky, I'll get a momentary spark of such an emotion. Such sparks die quickly though. While I may actually feel happy from time to time, or feel hatred from time to time, it is nothing but a short lived experience that will forever elude me.
It's why I can be heartless, but yet still have the ability to care. And as long as I can still care, then I haven't let go of my rock and I never will. When I told Maria as to what I am, I can most surely say she was devastated. She had so many blind feelings for someone who was incapable of returning such affections. She had used me to her own extent and now her world was to come crashing down on her. I don't have a clue as to what has happened to her since I left, but if she didn't recover from her world crumbling around her, then I can only imagine that she was one of the many who had let go of their rocks.
The day in which I left Evergrand was a most interesting one and quite a beautiful one at that as well. You see, in order to leave Evergrand on foot without being spotted is by going down a path near Scavenger Falls, the waterfall that is created from the trenches redirecting the water. Not even a mile down the river which was created by Scavenger Falls is a place that the people of Evergrand call the Scrapyard. To children, the Scrapyard is a place of urban legend. In the tales they would tell in school, the children have come to believe that the Scrapyard is full of mutated people who live there to hide from the people of Evergrand. In some other tales, beings that live in the Scrapyard are apparently some kind of tribe which preys off those who foolishly wander down there.
Nothing more than a bunch of fantasies crafted by the minds of children in order to give themselves a good scare at night. Truly, they don't know what's down in the Scrapyard. What's really there are people from villages a few kilometers away that have lost their homes. So, they have come here and made their homes where the pieces of our lives wash up at. Here, the citizens of this miniscule community call it home. The Scrapyard may be nothing more than the washed away relics of our memories, but to them, it is a hope in which can never be washed away by he current.
They make this place their home in hopes of going through whatever tough time they have in their lives. For some, it's a permanent solution since they can't go back to where they were originally from without feeling shame. The people I had met there were truly people who have lost their ways, but were certainly not giving up. It was something in which had reminded me so clearly of Isabella, and I could only wonder how the afterlife was treating her. As much as I would have loved to get in contact with her again, I didn't want to pull her into the world I have right now. Of course, it is far better than still being in Evergrand, but I wouldn't want to expose her to such dangers.
After I had passed safely through the "Scrapyard," I took a single moment to gaze back towards Evergrand. It was nicely coming out of winter for us, and truly it was a beautiful scene. For once, the rain that was like a plague to us had actually looked beautiful and serene for once. Indeed dark clouds did loom overhead of Evergrand and the rain was as harsh as ever, but it was the rain pouring down onto the buildings of the village is what I would say was beautiful. It's a bit hard to describe the scene and a bit harder to describe as to how I found it beautiful, but this was the final good memory I had made of Evergrand before I forever said goodbye to it.
A large portion of my time there, as I said was nothing more than a hazy memory and felt as if it was a dream. I'm constantly reminded that everything wasn't a dream, and really. It's beginning to annoy me a little. While I may continue to live on with the memory of those who had let go of their rocks, I will never forget the village that had taken so many lives over the years. Such a place will forever be burned deep within my memory. I think this is where I'm going to stop writing for the time being. Next time, I think I'll write about a colleague of mine. His name's Ragnus and he's quite the interesting person with an even more interesting past. I think I'll end this entry with a quote this time around. And so...until the next time I open these pages once more.
"In a river, there will always be the fish that swim against the tide. Those who will push, shove, and dart their way through the obstacles in order to continue on their set path. There will always be those who get swept along with the current and their will be those who lose their path and begin to follow the tide, but as long as there will always be a school in which they could travel, they will never stray from their path."
I guess I should start with the first thing I had remembered. The Clauren family. It was a small family when they first brought me into their household, but not once had I ever really felt welcome in that house. As to who I lived with, I guess I should start with Marilyn. She was the woman of the house. She was usually quite kind and welcoming, for it was her idea to bring me in as a foster child. While she was usually a decent person, there was so much melancholy hidden behind those azure eyes of hers. People might not have noticed, but who can really blame her?
I was brought into the household only a month after her brother had drowned in an accident. He was going to head out of Evergrand for a while in order to see if he could get a new job, just to bring in more money for the family. Sadly for him, someone else was on their way back from a small trip outside of the village. They were distracted by their child in the backseat who was trying to have a conversation with the driver. They had looked away for only a second, and that second was all it took. Both vehicles were launched into the trenches and swept away with the current.
The only remnants to show that the event even occured was a few pieces of metal that were torn off both vehicles in the crash. The vehicles were found near Scavenger Falls, stuck against the corner of an old foundation for a now torn down building. Both vehicles were discovered, but there wasn't a soul left within the vehicles. Three more who fell victim to the curse of Evergrand and were swept away into the abyss. With such a thing to occur, I simply couldn't blame her for the sadness she felt. They were one of the few lucky families who went with minimal deaths within the village.
Moving on from Marilyn, there was Darren. He was the man of the household. He was a hard man to be around. His personality was cold, as if he had shut off all ties to emotion in order to keep himself from succumbing to the negative effects that this town has on people. He was as cold as the ground we stepped on, but yet he still had some warmth left within him. At times, he would show sincerity and even share a laugh or two, but there was no denying the fact that he knew that someday again his family would be struck with another death. He was the history teacher at the school, which did make some times a little odd when I had gone off to school.
I knew there was a good man underneath of that hardened exterior, but he just wouldn't allow himself to be open to the people around him. He didn't want to give Evergrand the chance to break a part his spirit, so he kept his emotions under lock and key. Even though Marilyn and Darren did seem like wonderful people, it's their two children which made the biggest impact in the household. Two girls, and both of them were...unique in their own ways. Isabella was the youngest and she had to be the sweetest person in all of Evergrand. It was a shame when she drowned, but what's done is done and there is nothing I can do to give her back to Marilyn and Darren.
Isabella was the kind of girl who didn't want to see a frown on a person's face. She knew how bad Evergrand was, so she wanted to bring positivity to the town. She wanted to see people smile. She just wanted people to cherish every bit of life that was given to them, no matter how short it may be. She was truly a kid with many ambitions that I believe really could have made an enormous impact on Evergrand. While she didn't like to see people frown, she was also a bit of a crybaby as well. She didn't like negativity, but when people rejected her ideals and even at times called her annoying, there wasn't anyway to stop her from crying. She was childish and a crybaby, but pure at heart.
This purity was something that her older sister was envious of, and so made it difficult for her own little sister. Maria was the older sister's name, and she was quite a greedy and envious person. I even remember one time in which she wanted to claim me as her own. In her mindset, she wanted a relationship with me just because of the fact that she would have me all to herself and no one else could. She only wanted this for the fact that I would sit there and listen while she rambled on about countless things. She thought I was a good listener, but in reality I was lost within my own thoughts and payed little attention. To put it simply, I knew even then on how to make it look like I was listening even when I really wasn't.
She was a relatively negative girl, but far more greedy than anything. As stated, she wished to have me all for herself for such a small reason. I had even awoken once in the night to find her curled up in my bed. When I asked her about it in the morning, the only logical reason she answered with was this. "I spilled water on my bed and yours looked dry, so I thought you wouldn't mind." Well, I minded. I minded very much. With the mixture of different personalities in that household, it made me feel like I was a stranger within my own reality. It felt like I didn't belong there, and I ended up coming to the decision in which had forever changed my life for the better. I decided to leave Evergrand, and that's exactly what I had done.
Sad enough, the day I had chosen was the very day in which Isabella had drowned on her way back from school in the beginning of winter. Because of that, I had stayed for a couple more months at the Clauren household. When Isabella left, everything in that household had such a melancholy vibe towards it. Maria cried for the loss of her sister, but became rather clingy to me as if I was the one thing to fill the hole that was blown into her life. I hadn't denied her presence for I actually felt sympathy for her. I had allowed her to sleep in my bed at night and on most of those nights, I would be holding her as she cried herself to sleep. I was up longer than her for I couldn't get the sounds of Marilyn's sobbing in the room over from mine.
It was in the time of Isabella's death in which things began to feel like a dream. I know it may seem a bit odd, but it seems to be that Isabella was a key factor in my life at the time. She was one of those people who made this delusion that we call reality seem less delusional than what it really was. She was a light that rebelled against the darkness that tried to consume it, and eventually...succumbed to the chilling grasp that ensnares the light of many. It was at this time in which my progress on school work had only gotten worse. I began flunking classes and everything just felt as if it was only a dream. It felt that the very two hands before me were nothing more than a delusion created within the confines of my mind.
I felt...trapped. Trapped within my mind by the so proclaimed reality that surrounded me. At the time, I couldn't tell if everything I saw was real or if it was a fantasy created by my mind. That just like those who had been swept away by the currents were all just figments of my imagination that had finally decided to be forgotten about. I couldn't tell if I was alive or if I was dead. When the rain hit my face, I just couldn't identify whether or not if it was a raindrop or the saddened tear of a person who once knew me weeping over the sight of my corpse before it would be turned to ash like the rest of those swept away by the currents. Everything just felt foreign and I simply couldn't identify things the way I used to.
I couldn't even register that Maria had stolen my first kiss while I was in a haze of thoughts one winter evening. I couldn't register any of the events that occurred that night. I couldn't register what she had done to my body in the name of her "love." I couldn't register that she took two firsts in which I could never get back that night. I simply couldn't register it at all. The events from there on went on as a blur, like a slideshow that was presenting scenes before a person at an unbelievable rate of speed. The faces of others blended together, the nights in which were spent with Maria at my side were nothing but a haze, and the scenery that had been placed before me seemed as if I was staring at nothing more than a painting.
I was at war with the negativity that Evergrand had offered them. It was then that I began to think. Were all the deaths in Evergrand really just because of accidental drowning, or were the victims just ending their connections with this god forsaken village once and for all? I never once thought of this until I found that such an idea seemed to be somewhat inviting. Letting go of the rock that anchored you down in the large powerful river. Just letting go of the rock that kept you from being swept away in its current and being nothing more than a distant memory. It all seemed so inviting and just so easy. Yet, I didn't do it. I didn't "fall" into the trenches and I didn't have any "accidents." I kept walking because some part of me just wouldn't allow such a thing to happen.
I don't know if it was some part of me saying that even I fear death, or if it was another part of me who was wanting to live for not the sake of fearing death, but to carry on the memories of those who had let go of their rocks. Even now I don't know what it was that stopped me from letting go, but I carried on and eventually I had gotten up to leave Evergrand. It was the one day in which I can actually clearly remember. When I had told the Clauren family that I was leaving Evergrand, there was not much reaction from Marilyn and Darren. It was as if they somehow knew that I would leave, but yet never said a word about it. They were just waiting for the day in which I would come to them to say these words.
Maria on the other hand was beyond upset. She was selfish and greedy and only wanted me to stay there because of the self-proclaimed love "we shared." She hadn't the slightest clue that I actually feel nothing. I go through emotions like any normal person, as if it's nothing more than a mechanical routine programmed into the computer that is my mind, but I truly cannot feel such a thing. Love is nothing but a blank slate to me. Just like happiness and anger. If I'm actually ever lucky, I'll get a momentary spark of such an emotion. Such sparks die quickly though. While I may actually feel happy from time to time, or feel hatred from time to time, it is nothing but a short lived experience that will forever elude me.
It's why I can be heartless, but yet still have the ability to care. And as long as I can still care, then I haven't let go of my rock and I never will. When I told Maria as to what I am, I can most surely say she was devastated. She had so many blind feelings for someone who was incapable of returning such affections. She had used me to her own extent and now her world was to come crashing down on her. I don't have a clue as to what has happened to her since I left, but if she didn't recover from her world crumbling around her, then I can only imagine that she was one of the many who had let go of their rocks.
The day in which I left Evergrand was a most interesting one and quite a beautiful one at that as well. You see, in order to leave Evergrand on foot without being spotted is by going down a path near Scavenger Falls, the waterfall that is created from the trenches redirecting the water. Not even a mile down the river which was created by Scavenger Falls is a place that the people of Evergrand call the Scrapyard. To children, the Scrapyard is a place of urban legend. In the tales they would tell in school, the children have come to believe that the Scrapyard is full of mutated people who live there to hide from the people of Evergrand. In some other tales, beings that live in the Scrapyard are apparently some kind of tribe which preys off those who foolishly wander down there.
Nothing more than a bunch of fantasies crafted by the minds of children in order to give themselves a good scare at night. Truly, they don't know what's down in the Scrapyard. What's really there are people from villages a few kilometers away that have lost their homes. So, they have come here and made their homes where the pieces of our lives wash up at. Here, the citizens of this miniscule community call it home. The Scrapyard may be nothing more than the washed away relics of our memories, but to them, it is a hope in which can never be washed away by he current.
They make this place their home in hopes of going through whatever tough time they have in their lives. For some, it's a permanent solution since they can't go back to where they were originally from without feeling shame. The people I had met there were truly people who have lost their ways, but were certainly not giving up. It was something in which had reminded me so clearly of Isabella, and I could only wonder how the afterlife was treating her. As much as I would have loved to get in contact with her again, I didn't want to pull her into the world I have right now. Of course, it is far better than still being in Evergrand, but I wouldn't want to expose her to such dangers.
After I had passed safely through the "Scrapyard," I took a single moment to gaze back towards Evergrand. It was nicely coming out of winter for us, and truly it was a beautiful scene. For once, the rain that was like a plague to us had actually looked beautiful and serene for once. Indeed dark clouds did loom overhead of Evergrand and the rain was as harsh as ever, but it was the rain pouring down onto the buildings of the village is what I would say was beautiful. It's a bit hard to describe the scene and a bit harder to describe as to how I found it beautiful, but this was the final good memory I had made of Evergrand before I forever said goodbye to it.
A large portion of my time there, as I said was nothing more than a hazy memory and felt as if it was a dream. I'm constantly reminded that everything wasn't a dream, and really. It's beginning to annoy me a little. While I may continue to live on with the memory of those who had let go of their rocks, I will never forget the village that had taken so many lives over the years. Such a place will forever be burned deep within my memory. I think this is where I'm going to stop writing for the time being. Next time, I think I'll write about a colleague of mine. His name's Ragnus and he's quite the interesting person with an even more interesting past. I think I'll end this entry with a quote this time around. And so...until the next time I open these pages once more.
"In a river, there will always be the fish that swim against the tide. Those who will push, shove, and dart their way through the obstacles in order to continue on their set path. There will always be those who get swept along with the current and their will be those who lose their path and begin to follow the tide, but as long as there will always be a school in which they could travel, they will never stray from their path."
